The Eleanorian

True Blood

...is the best tv show I have seen in years. "I am Vampire," says Bill. They even have alcoholic exorcisms, which might be an easier method than going to meetings. It's on Sundays on HBO and it's by the same dudes who brought us Six Feet Under. I am a delectable drinking vampire. Enjoy your O negative. Will their version of People Magazine be called "Blood?" Will they have vampire bar mitzvahs where they drink blood instead of wine? At Communion, will they really drink the blood? These and all other thoughts are bubbling in my head as Lafayette, a human, awaits his destiny in the dungeon. It's all just teeth and antacids.

Inflamed Knees

I am walking around Philly with inflamed knees. I must walk down the subway stairs slowly, hanging on fervently to the bar.

It is extremely difficult to walk the dog, who likes to stop and eat chicken bones.

I am seeing the orthopedic surgeon on Friday morning, but might do so earlier.

I await this evening’s snow.

Mr. Rourke as Wrestler

He's like Rocky. And now that I've moved to South Philly, I can appreciate the beaten, downtrodden men like Ram in The Wrestler who pursue their steroid-induced drugs. My favorite part is his relationship with his daughter, who is a good-looking lezzy.

I also feel very comfortable in his trailor park. Nice and cushiony.

Go see it. And come visit me in Philly. We'll have pretzels.

Thanksgiving

We have a lot to be thankful for this year. A future president with a brain. A future secretary of state with an anal retentive bug up her ass. No, in all fairness, I like Hillary--from a distance. I mean, I wouldn't want to make jello with her. Hopefully, she will reduce the funds the US gives to Pakistan, which is currently funding Osama.

I'm grateful for my current cold--the microbes have finally invaded.

Off to the doctor's for a flu shot.

Happy Turkey Day y'all.

 

Eleanor Palins In Comparison to Sarah--but Vote Obama!

 

Sarah was spotted today in a Carhartt jacket. That was me in drag. Because yesterday I dressed up as Sarah in a dress. While she voted for herself, I voted for Obama. See below and above photos:

Sarah Palin--the Mayor of "B-I-N-G-O"

Sarah Palin is the brain to nowhere. Or maybe she's the cerebral hemorrhage that's been squished in the New York subway station by a large rat named Elma beween gum wrappers and Tootsie rolls.

When you listen to Sarah speak, she sounds like a character who escapted "B-I-N-G-O." Yes, do y'all remember that song about the dog we sang in Kindergarten? Well, Sarah's marbles in mouth sound as if she could have been Mayor of B-I-N-G-O and shot the dog and thus ended the world they lived in.

Sarah is hot in the sense that perhaps acid it hot.  She is fawned over by working-class thugs/red necks/ex-Lehman Brother workers who, like Alec Baldwin, believe that the world has changed drastically since Shirley Chisholm was running for president. 

If Sarah had been a victim of the panty raid in Phillip Roth's recent novel Indignation (frat boys at a 1950s midwest college threw female students' white panties into the snow), she would have assisted the young lads. But she's so duplicitous that she would not have likely inspired any of their erectile facilities.

Sarah's resources--such as her high school yearbook for choosing people for government jobs when she became governor of Alaska--or her helicopter that she understandably uses to shop at Wal-Mart--is beyond the Palin.

That she asked Biden if she could call him "Joe" at the debate, well, that was demeaning to women who want to be on more than the flirt level with their male contemporaries. Maybe she should have stopped the debate and said, "Joe, I'd like to kiss you but I'd be ridiculed more than Princess Elizabeth was during the Renaissance when she allowed a married admiral to touch her buttocks."

Sarah annoys women more than men because we live in a culture of extreme self-hatred as women; and when we see a woman such as Palin who truly embodies the beloved stereotypes of male chauvinists, well, it sends us to CVS in the hopes of ODing on Comet.

Sarah's a heart beat away from that burn victim McCain who is certain to press an atomic button or two, if given a chance.

If you read this, and have not made up your mind, vote for a brain that is not the bridge to nowhere. Or you can always get a lobotomy after they get elected and imagine that it never happened.

Obama and Lobsters

 

My mother and I love to eat lobster. There's a place on Route 33 in New Jersey called The Lobster Shanty, and unlike the Red Lobster, where lobsters and fish are sometimes frozen, you get fresh lobsters. True, you must envision your lobsters steamed and their lives boiled. I even did this once myself in Chinatown, NY with a fresh lobster--my then dog Henry Miller and I listened as the lobster screamed. However, the delicacy, in which we both had a piece of the lobster tail dipped in butter, was certainly worth the lobster suffering. Probably, when I descend into Bush's inferno, I shall be dipped in boiling water.

We also had the privilege of meeting these elderly ladies while we dined on lobster, and inevitably, the election became the topic in conversation.

One lady, who assured me she'd bring her grandson to this restaurant to eat lobster soon, said, "In my beauty parlor they were saying that Obama is a Muslem."

Now while there is nothing inherently wrong with being a Muslem, Obama, unlike Osama, has been a Christian, not a Muslem, for most of his life. I think he may have gone to a school for Muslems, but for the most part, he is a Christian and once even had a feisty minister as his minister.

We also, this lady at the Lobster Shanty and I, discussed Sarah Palin.

"Everyone at the beauty parlor loves her--except they don't like her hair."

No one likes Sarah's hair--it's very retro 70s. The lady also does not like Sarah P's "black skirt."

I assured her that Obama is a Christian. I think maybe Sarah is a little too Christian. But maybe some people think I'm a little too Jewish. Well, I can't be too Jewish if I'm dipping lobster in butter.

In fact, when my mother and I returned to our Orthodox Jewish neighborhood in Lakewood, NJ, I said, "Mom, don't forget the lobster you brought home in the doggy bag."

"Shhhhhh----what will the neighbors think?" I hope the neighbors think Obama is not the same as Osama, but that Sarah runs a close second to the apocalypse.

Sarah Pales in Comparison to Hillary

 

Could you ever replace Hillary with Sarah in this photo? I think even your Photoshop software would break. I'm sorry, Sarah P is no Hillary Clinton, to quote another journalist who thought of it ahead of me.

My main question is: what would Clarence Darrow have thought of her? No, he would have been flabbergasted that she wants to teach Evolution alongside with Creationism. Or that she is for Capital Punishment, which he thought was cruel and barbaric.

In this blog, I wanted to write that Senator McCain, lately, reminds me of a burn victim I once knew; but that would be cruel, and God forbid I say something--Karma is a boomerang--I don't want to burn myself. In any case, he resembles an alien and she looks like a friggen Playboy bunny.

Simply because she is female and a politician, it does not make her a Hillary. She is pro-life, pro-Creationism, a member of the NRA--need I say more? She is the female's younger version of Charlton Heston, may he rest in peace.

I'm not upset that she has a pregnant daughter--I'm actually relieved. We need more white trashettes in the White House. It has too long been the Harvard and Yale club for men and women. We need a few county college grads to run Penn Ave in DC.

As other journalists have said, Sarah P is to women what Clarence Thomas is to black people--she sets us back thousands of years.

And I've got to admit--Obama's speech, while it did not bring tears to my eyes--I certainly found it wonderful and loved his line about Osama in a cave.

The bottom line: gas prices are up, people are out of work, the rich are getting richer, and Sarah is making McCain look paler. This is a good thing. We actually don't want him elected. Keep it up Sarah--your boomerang PR campaign is good karma for us anti-Bushites.

Woody's new movie

Vicky Cristina Barcelona starts out slow and gets progressively better. As other film critics have stated, when the egocentric director leaves us to his characters, they are immensely more interesting than his self-indulgent ramblings. Penelope Cruz is particularly wonderful as the Spanish primadonna in the film--and wields a gun better than most macho members of the NRA. Be patient--you need to let the dumb narrator say his words and then the plots unfold nicely. If you're currently stuck in the suburbs, like I am, then it's a wonderful feeling to know that one theater in your entire county is playing this film.

"Jagged Edge" and "The Counterfeiters"

I finally saw Jagged Edge, that movie where Jeff Bridges murders his wife. Gee, I'm sorry if I spoiled that for you. And Glenn Close, whose beauty I've never quite understood--she has an inexplicable face--is the lawyer he romances. They all have nice hair, which is always blow dried. Actually, in the movie, Glenn Close is the only one whose hair is allowed to blow in the wind. Needless to say, this is a good flick for a Saturday afternoon if you're in a grumpy mood. Read this review after you've seen the movie.

The Counterfeiters is a much better film, although it is quite different than Jagged Edge. The Counterfeiters is about a Jewish counterfeiter and his yid colleagues in a concentration camp; the Nazis use them to make counterfeit British pounds and US dollars. It's always a good reminder to see how nasty the Germans were during World War II; how their organized racism and despotic killing methods were more frightening than any fights I've seen in my house. Worth renting from Netfix.